Family Magazine

 

How to Beat Self-Defeat

It Can Be The Difference Between Success and Failure

By Victor Parachin

When a West Coast public relations firm recently downsized, two of the employees laid off were Lois and Nancy. Both had been with the firm nearly eight years. As soon as Lois learned she would lose her job, she checked with her firm to determine severance pay and health benefits. Also, Lois began immediately networking with colleagues in her field, explaining that she was job hunting. Within 60 days, she had a new and promising position.
    When Nancy learned about the company downsizing, she became extremely angry with the firm management. Her anger spilled over and affected her relationship with co-workers. She collected her severance and applied for unemployment benefits with the state. Beyond that, Nancy has remained withdrawn, brooding and bitter. Four months after she was laid off, Nancy has no prospects for a new position.

The difference between the two women does not come down to skill and experience. The key factor between Lois and Nancy is attitude. Lois chose to beat self-defeat. Rather than work against herself, she rallied internal resources to work for her own best interests. Unfortunately, Nancy, like many others who face a crisis, chose to engage in self-defeating behavior. People like Nancy stand in their own way, block future success and seriously hamper their personal and professional recovery. Whenever there is a crisis, you can choose to take steps that will either improve or erode the circumstances. Here are some ways to beat self-defeat.

Turn pain into gain

Mistakes, errors and failures constitute the “classroom” of life. Great lessons can be gleaned from our mistakes. A good example of someone who learned from failure is Anne Busquet. After working hard in the corporate world, Busquet was rewarded for her effort when American Express made her general manager of its Optima Card unit. However, when five of her 2,000 employees were found to have deliberately hidden $24 million in losses, she was held accountable. American Express officials did not fire her, but demoted Busquet, offering her a position managing one of the company’s smaller businesses. Although her self-esteem was shaken, Busquet realized the Optima failure was her wake-up call.

Looking back at what happened, Busquet realized that her intense perfectionist impulse was intimidating to her employees. Her personal style may have made subordinates so fearful of reporting bad news that they tried to disguise the losses. “I never realized the impact I had on people. I realized I needed to be much more understanding,” she said. Busquet went to work on herself, learning to be more patient and a better listener. She made it clear that she was open to receiving all information, good or bad. “I question why profit numbers are good as well as why they’re not. If I had done this before, I might have uncovered the Optima problem sooner,” she said. Busquet is now an executive vice president. She learned from failure and has emerged a stronger, wiser, more mature and better executive.

Assume “it is possible”

A highly effective way to beat back feelings of self-defeat is to assume “it is possible.” When facing a major crisis, too many people give up prematurely because they are convinced it is impossible to overcome. However, those who do overcome great trials do so because they operate from the conviction that “it is possible.” In the presence of a great personal trial, or when dealing with a serious professional setback, build up your confidence by reciting positive affirmations such as these:

Use humor

“Humor simultaneously wounds and heals, indicts and pardons, diminishes and enlarges; it constitutes inner growth at the expense of outer gain, and those who possess and honestly practice it make themselves more through a willingness to make themselves less,” observed author Louis Kronenberger. Pianist Liberace effectively used humor. As his career began to move forward, Liberace had a concert scheduled at Madison Square Garden, New York, in June 1954. Although the auditorium was filled with wildly enthusiastic fans who thoroughly enjoyed the performance, the critics loathed Liberace. The reviews were scathing. Rather than allow the criticisms to drain his enthusiasm, erode his self-esteem, or erase his achievement, Liberace brushed off the comments by telling his critics: “What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.”

Rule out despair

“Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair,” was the wise advice offered by 18th century philosopher Edmund Burke. Of course, a major setback will make you feel vulnerable, even despairing. Continue moving forward even though despair may be your daily companion. As you steadily continue inching ahead, despair will lose its grip. Consider the experience of Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank, two successful entrepreneurs. Marcus grew up in Newark, New Jersey, as the son of a poor Russian cabinetmaker. Arthur Blank was raised in a lower-middle-class neighborhood in Queens, New York, where he briefly ran with a juvenile gang. He was 15 when his father died. “I grew up with the notion that life is going to be filled with some storms,” Blank said.

In 1978, he and Marcus were working at a hardware retailer in Los Angeles when a new owner dismissed them both. A friend suggested they go into business for themselves. “Once I stopped stewing in my misery,” says Marcus, “I saw that the idea wasn’t crazy.” Together, Marcus and Blank began opening the kind of stores they dreaded competing against: hangar-size, no-frills outlets with high-grade service and a huge selection. Today, their Home Depot is at the top of the rapidly growing home improvement industry. Because he overcame his own despair, Marcus often asks this question of other entrepreneurs whom he meets, “Was there a point in your life when you despaired?” Marcus asked this question of 50 successful entrepreneurs and 40 of them have had the character builder of despair.

Upstage the negatives

Whenever you are filled with discouragement and tempted to view yourself harshly, upstage the negatives by reviewing the positives. This means creating a “change of command” in your mind. Replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Recently, one of California’s most successful home builders fell upon bad times. Suddenly, shifting economic forces caused the real estate market to plummet. He was forced into bankruptcy after building over 10,000 single-family residences along the California coast. Sinking into a black, bleak despair, the man sought support and counsel from minister and author, Robert H. Schuller. In his book, Success is Never Ending. Failure is Never Final, Schuller relates how he helped the man upstage the negatives by reminding him:

“You haven’t stopped succeeding just because you’re going into bankruptcy. You have been forced into bankruptcy because your accounts receivables have lost their value. But look at the homes you have built. They’re still standing. Look at the salary checks you have paid out to subcontractors and laborers over the last 20 years. That money is still providing underpinnings for institutions and businesses that you’ll never know about. Some of it will be used to send a child through college 20 years from now. Doctors, teachers, and leaders in society will be educated from savings made possible by paychecks you issued!”

Gripe and get over it

Barbara Sher, a therapist and career counselor, offers that advice. In her book, I Could Do Anything: How to Discover What You Really Want, she writes, “If you need a gripe session about your present life, go to it. We can’t always will away our negative feelings, and we don’t have to. Complaining is a healthy, natural way to get past negative feelings, as long as the complaining is done the right way. So, if you need to, take ten minutes and say the vilest things you can about your life. Ask your friends to listen and applaud you. Be obnoxious. Snarl and whine. Have a good time. And then stop it. Because you’ve got more important work to do.”

Remember, no crisis lasts forever

Life events flow back and forth like the ocean tide, frequently alternating between failure and success, exasperation and inspiration, frustration and fulfillment, discouragement and hope. The quality of daily living is greatly enhanced when we learn to appreciate the good times and wisely weather the difficult times.

Victor M. Parachin is an ordained minister, freelance journalist, and author of several books, including “Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds”. He lives in Oklahoma.

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